unloading

while everybody's excited that november is just around the corner and so is december, i honestly can't share that feeling completely. yes, im excited coz i will be back home again and the whole gang will be here as well. i cant wait to show them around to new places, take new pictures for keepsake. i'm excited to spend my days off from work, hang-out with them, and just have a good time.

lately though, i keep filling my head with happy thoughts just to stop myself from feeling odd and negative all over again. you see, it was the same time last year that i got betrayed by someone. the pain i felt was overwhelming i remember sleeping and waking up and trying to sleep again with my pillow wet. it's like a thousand needles pricking me continuously that i literally felt my heart just taking it all in. the betrayal, the lies (even by ommission) - that's one thing. i guess for me, it was the shock knowing that it was me this time. and by that person. i used to hear stories of friends with something similar, yet never have i thought it could happen to me as well. i can still vaguely remember how cold i felt realizing what just happened. it was crash and burn.

then i tried to move on. at first, i was blaming myself for allowing it to happen. then i felt sorry for myself - i thought, if something like this is done to me then how can i ever trust anyone again? i rarely give my full trust to a person - my close friends can attest to this. it came to a point when i was asking all sorts of questions just to justify it. make it easier to forget. but the deeper i try to reason out, the crazier i've become and i hated myself for becoming the person that i was.

so it was sort of like a pingpong ball on a good game - i was bouncing back and forth with rebuilding my trust and accepting what happened. now, i am done with the latter and making a good progress on the first part. though i wish i can say that i have completely forgotten about it - i can still feel those needles sometimes. it is not as painful as a thousand but even one needle hurts. i tried feeling numb about it and that works, too. honestly, i have already forgiven - yet, once in a blue moon, it's the last thing i think of - in the silence of my room, in a really, really dark night.

so please don't judge me if im starting to get all 'scrooge' esp in the coming months. i know the air is all glittery, full of smiles and positive energy, i'm trying my best not to spoil it. besides, forgive and forget - right?